i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
