That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
