dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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