Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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