She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
