I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
