I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
