i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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