Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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