I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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