I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
