Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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