When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
