I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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