I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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