I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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