Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
