Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Vodka?
Forever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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