I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
