just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
