I'm really into asian looking animals
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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