I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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