you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
