I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
