I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
