When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
