Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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