You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize