Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
