so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
