Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
