Got a toothbrush?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
