He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
