I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
