i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
