You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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