i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
These tits shall not be calmed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
