I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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