my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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