Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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