She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize