so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
