Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
