I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
