it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
