Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize