i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
