yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
