just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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