i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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