You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
