I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
