in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
