Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
