When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
