all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
