it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
