Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
