that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
3 2 1 whiskey
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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