And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
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