my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
