12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
