Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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