Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
